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What will the England players do now?

Now that the marathon winter is over for England’s weary and knackered players, I wonder what they will be getting up to on their return to blighty?

Will they be putting their feet up? Getting ready for the IPL? Or maybe even getting ready to earn their bread and butter in the new County season? (Don’t take the piss)

Or maybe it’s none of the above, I’ve heard most of them have other things to sort out first.

Andrew Strauss – Sorting out his pension, which consists off inking his autobiography, negotiating a deal with Advanced Hair Studio and checking out the rates paid by Sky TV and TMS.

Kevin Pietersen – Already taken care of his business by ditching his destined to lose teammates weeks back. On his arrival at Heathrow he was overheard losing his temper with a slow left handed bag handler, before telling him there was no problem and he would handle it his way.

Ian Bell – He is supposed to be getting married, I hope he doesn’t walk half way up the aisle while looking good, only to turn and leave the church early before completing the job.

Paul Collingwood – The new Judith Chalmers, Colly will no doubt be lobbying ITV for the return of ‘wish you were here’ and hoping to present it. A lot of people have to spend a fortune to go on a ‘5 month round the world trip’ like the one he has just been on. And during hard times when people are losing their jobs, has the man no morals?

Ravi Bopara – Not sure what to say here. Except what has changed since he came home from the last world cup 4 years ago? Maybe he could become one of those ‘Street Mimics’ that just stands still, and still be in the same place in another 4 years.

Matt Prior – No runs and few catches, and no chance of Steven Davies fancying him with that beard, it looks ridiculous.

Eoin Morgan – Will be attempting to market his new uncatchable cricket ball, as tested out on the Sri Lanken cricket team and Chris Tremlett.

Jimmy Anderson – Trying to work out which was the real blip. The Ashes? Or the rest of his career? Will be relieved to be back home and reunited with the dark cloud he needs to follow him around England all summer.

Stuart Broad – Long time back and has already rang Simon Jones for advice on how to become England’s next injury prone pin up.

Graeme Swann – Will be telling his cat about how he wants to ram his ‘hard come by’ screwdrivers up Daryl Harper’s arse. (Just googled Harper to check I spelt Daryl the right way and one of the google options you get is ‘Daryl Harper Worst Umpire’)

Tim Bresnan – Will be on the lookout for a new calf.

Luke Wright – Will be dusting down his best suit for the ‘Braindead Shot of the World Cup’ award in recognition of that shot against West Indies. Could also be set to land the role of ‘Trigger’ in a new version of Only Fools and Horses.

Chris Tremlett – Will be looking for Steven Finn to nobble him.

James Tredwell – Who’s he? I’ve never heard of him. Was he there? What did he do?

And a special mention for Samit Fatel, thanks a bunch mate!

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